Sharkey's Place: Hello, Boots!

"Hello, Boots!"

INT. SHARKEY’S PLACE - LUNCH TIME
There is a happy mood around Sharkey’s today. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s the good fishing people have been having. The crowd is brisk and tables are turning.
Sandra is working the room, taking orders, filling cups with water or iced-tea.
Kirini is working the register and seating people.
Myra is in the back making lunches, getting the plates out.
KIRINI
(to Sandra)
Can you check the booth in the back? Water and soda.
SANDRA
Sure.
Sandra heads to the back.
Myra brings out a tray with plates of food.
KIRINI
Those are for the people in the back booth, by Sandra.
MYRA
Got it.
She takes the tray back to Sandra. Sandra distributes the plates for the family.
SANDRA
You all need anything else, you just gimme a shout.
Sandra and Myra head back to the counter.
MYRA
Thanks for that.
SANDRA
Sure. Say, how’s your Ethan getting along? Kiri said he’s got a new girl.
MYRA
Yeah, Bella Godspeed. She’s nice.
SANDRA
I know her. She is nice. Got a good head on her shoulders.
MYRA
More than I can say for Ethan. He’s great but he’d loose his head if it wasn’t screwed on.
SANDRA
Yeah, my brother was like that but, you know what, he got his stuff together eventually. He seems like a nice kid.
MYRA
I’m just afraid he’s going to take after Glenn. Never get anywhere in life.
SANDRA
Nah, don’t worry about that. He’ll follow in your footsteps and go to one of those chef-schools. He’ll learn all the techniques.
MYRA
Maybe he should aim higher than working in a restaurant.
SANDRA
What’s wrong with working in a restaurant? Suits me fine.
MYRA
What’s wrong? Well, the hours are hell. The pay never gets much better. And we’re on our feet all day.
SANDRA
And don’t mention the customers.
MYRA
Right. Having to deal with the customers all day long.
SANDRA
And the ones at night, drunk and looking for love.
MYRA
I think I’m getting depressed. Maybe it’s the change in the weather. I’m not looking forward to winter, you know?
SANDRA
Ah, I don’t mind it. A few gray days but when it’s clear, you know. It can be real nice.
MYRA
I can’t wait for spring to be back, green grass, yellow buttercups.
SANDRA
I hate having to get bundled up, just to walk out to my car. Always with the jacket on, the jacket off.
MYRA
Slushy boots all the time. Forget it.
SANDRA
Now you’re getting me down.
KIRINI
(by the door)
Say, ladies...
Kirini waves her hand around, indicating the customers.
SANDRA
Right, boss.
KIRINI
Thanks.
Aiden and Caiden come in.
AIDEN
Hey, Kiri. How are ya?
KIRINI
Good. Come on in, fellas. Got a table for you right here. I’m glad you made it.
CAIDEN
Wouldn’t miss it.
AIDEN
Sandra said Myra was cooking meatballs.
CAIDEN
Count me in!
AIDEN
For two!
KIRINI
They’re good. Coffee?
CAIDEN
Harpoon Light.
AIDEN
I’ll take a coffee. Say, how does she do it?
KIRINI
Do what?
CAIDEN
Make the meatballs?
AIDEN
Like, is it a meatball sandwich?
CAIDEN
Like a sub?
AIDEN
Or over spaghetti or something?
CAIDEN
Or a pie? I bet she could make a meatball pie.
KIRINI
You wouldn’t believe me if I told ya.
AIDEN
What?
CAIDEN
Why not?
KIRINI
You want the meatballs?
AIDEN
How does she make ‘em?
KIRINI
I’m not telling. It’s a surprise.
CAIDEN
A surprise?
KIRINI
Yeah, but you’ll love ‘em. I guarantee!
AIDEN
Ok.
KIRINI
So you want meatballs, or not?
CAIDEN
Yeah, meatballs!
AIDEN
Same!
KIRINI
Coming right up.
Sandra already has the beer and coffee set up for them.
SANDRA
You boys busy last night at the Ink Pot?
AIDEN
Yeah, we did alright.
CAIDEN
It was good. Nice crowd.
AIDEN
Whole lotta clams.
CAIDEN
Whole lotta scallops.
AIDEN
Whole lotta calamari.
CAIDEN
But hey,
AIDEN
That’s what we’re known for.
CAIDEN
The Inky Squid has four stars on Yelp.
AIDEN
Beat that!
SANDRA
Everybody knows they have to give you a good rating.
AIDEN
What’ya mean?
SANDRA
What are they going to do, put down that the didn’t like your scallops? They know that you two would ban them from coming in. AND you’d probably go to their apartment and beat ‘em up. Then they would have to come here.
CAIDEN
What are you saying, that people don’t like our scallops?
AIDEN
Like I said, four stars.
SANDRA
No, your scallops are OK. I like ‘em. I come by all the time, don’t I? You know I like your food. And I’m not afraid of getting beat-up by you two, that’s for sure. Nah, you’re good with me.
CAIDEN
Hey, now, nobody’s gonna mess with the broads from Sharkey’s.
AIDEN
Too risky.
CAIDEN
And the food’s too good.
AIDEN
Plus, what with the stories of the way Sharkey bought it, there is an element of danger about the place.
CAIDEN
About you specifically.
AIDEN
The whiff o’ sulpher...
CAIDEN
Just a hint, juuuust a hint, of sinister intentions.
AIDEN
Yeah, nobody going to mess with you chicks.
SANDRA
That’s the spirit. Boys, do me a favor, remind me of that every now and then.
CAIDEN
Anytime.
AIDEN
We’re here to serve.
CAIDEN
Whatever we can do.
AIDEN
You can count on us.
Myra brings out a tray with plates of more lunches. She goes back into the kitchen.
Sandra swings by the counter and picks up plates for Aiden and Caiden. She puts them down.
SANDRA
You got the meatballs?
AIDEN
(looks at plate)
What is this?
CAIDEN
I don’t understand.
SANDRA
The meatballs. You’ll love ‘em.
Kirini comes over.
KIRINI
See fellas, it’s a surprise.
AIDEN
But what is this, shish-kabob?
CAIDEN
They’re on sticks.
KIRINI
Try them.
They slide the meatballs off of the skewers onto the rice, which is chili-pepper red, and white navy beans. There is a small cup of broth on the side, which can be poured over or used to dip the meatballs. They try the meatballs, rice and beans.
AIDEN
Oh! Aw!
CAIDEN
Come on!
AIDEN
This is too good!
CAIDEN
How did she do this?
AIDEN
This is amazing!
CAIDEN
Myra! Myra!
AIDEN
Hey, Myra, come out here!
CAIDEN
(eats more)
I can’t even describe this.
AIDEN
I don’t have the words.
CAIDEN
The vocabulary.
AIDEN
To say what this is.
Myra comes out from the kitchen.
MYRA
What do you think, guys?
CAIDEN
This is amazing.
AIDEN
My mouth is on fire!
CAIDEN
What is so spicy?
AIDEN
It’s like a magic trick.
MYRA
Eat some beans. It calms the heat.
CAIDEN
What’s with the sticks?
AIDEN
Kabobs?
MYRA
Kinda like kabobs. I roast them on trays until they are cooked through.
CAIDEN
But not dried out.
MYRA
Right. Then I put them on the skewers so that I can brown them up, individually, for each lunch plate.
AIDEN
Sizzling!
CAIDEN
So juicy.
AIDEN
So tender.
MYRA
And the rice gets cooked, then fried in a Portuguese-style Piri-Piri oil. Makes it hot. It cuts through the richness of the meat. And the beans balance it all out. White beans.
CAIDEN
Myra, you’re the best.
AIDEN
The beast.
CAIDEN
Never seen this.
AIDEN
Never tasted this.
CAIDEN
So good.
AIDEN
So good.
MYRA
Thanks, fellas!
Myra looks up at Sandra and Kirini, smiling.
SANDRA
People love ‘em.
KIRINI
You’re the best, Myra. We’re lucky.
Myra heads back to the kitchen.
CAIDEN
I still think you’re leaving money on the table.
AIDEN
Double the price.
CAIDEN
You’ll still sell out.
SANDRA
(to Kirini)
Maybe we could get four stars on Yelp.
KIRINI
(confused)
Yelp?
SANDRA
The boys were just bragging about how they got four stars, on Yelp.
KIRINI
Oh, yeah? Four stars?
AIDEN
Yeah.
CAIDEN
On Yelp.
KIRINI
But you guys realize, right, that nobody is going to give you a bad rating. I mean, right? Because they know you’ll come over and beat ‘em up. You know that, right?
AIDEN
Beat who up?
CAIDEN
Who we gonna beat up?
KIRINI
Your customers, if they give you a bad rating.
AIDEN
Beat up our customers, over Yelp?
CAIDEN
Well there was that one guy.
AIDEN
Ah, that guy.
CAIDEN
Just on one occasion.
AIDEN
That guy needed a beat-down.
CAIDEN
He had it coming.
AIDEN
That attitude.
CAIDEN
Smug face.
AIDEN
I was glad to punch that smug face.
CAIDEN
Changed his attitude real quick.
AIDEN
He had it coming.
KIRINI
Look, all I’m saying is that you guys have a, kinda, reputation for throwing hands, is all.
CAIDEN
It’s just that guy deserved it.
AIDEN
That smug face.
CAIDEN
That attitude.
AIDEN
He had it coming.
KIRINI
Oh, and you get to be both the judge AND the executioner? By your lights, you get to decide if a fella deserves a beat down.
CAIDEN
Right.
AIDEN
Sure.
KIRINI
Maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe he just got fired. Or his girlfriend just left him. You don’t know.
CAIDEN
Hey, it was just the one guy.
AIDEN
And you know how it is, some rodeo-clown gets too rowdy.
CAIDEN
Ya toss him out.
KIRINI
Sure. Sure. Anyway, enjoy the lunch. Thanks for coming in.
Kirini and Sandra go back to serving customers. Sandra takes another lunch order.
SANDRA
(shouts to the kitchen)
Another two meatball plates!
Lunch continues.
INT. SHARKEY'S PLACE - EVENING
Kirini and Sandra are behind the bar, working each end. People come and go, ordering drinks at the bar.
SANDRA
Nice night tonight. Really brings the people out.
KIRINI
Maybe folks are just feeling cooped up, need a change.
SANDRA
Yeah, that’s probably it.
An older woman comes in. She is Boots Morrin, a local crime novelist. She is in her mid-fifties and has big hair, peroxide white. She has a flattering outfit and wears cowboy boots with silver bangles.
KIRINI
Hey, Boots! Good to see you. How have you been?
BOOTS
Just coming off the road. Six week book tour.
KIRINI
Yeah, I heard about that. Was it ‘Tin’ this time?
BOOTS
Yes. The Tin Anniversary.
KIRINI
Tin? What year is that?
BOOTS
Ten. It’s my tenth volume in the series. It’s between Aluminum, nine, and Steel, eleven.
She goes to the bar and takes a seat.
KIRINI
Fascinating. Can I get you something? The usual?
BOOTS
Vodka. A little water on the side and a lime.
KIRINI
Coming up.
Kirini gets to work on the cocktail.
Boots looks around at the crowd.
BOOTS
Busy night.
KIRINI
Good weather. Brings the people out. How was the tour? Good?
BOOTS
It was good. People know my books now. My publisher knows they will sell, so they put some muscle behind the readings.
KIRINI
What’s that like?
BOOTS
The bookstore will usually have a big poster with the cover on it. Plenty of copies on hand that I sign for people. This time... this was weird, at Politics and Prose in DC, they had a life-sized stand-up cutout of me, from my promotional picture.
KIRINI
They had the boots and everything?
BOOTS
And wouldn’t you know it, I was actually wearing the same outfit. Down to the jewelry! I was a little embarrassed. But the readers are great.
KIRINI
You’ve been climbing that hill for a long time. It’s good that they make a big splash. You deserve it.
BOOTS
Thank you, Kiri. Good to be home.
KIRINI
I have to ask though, where do you come up with your stories? I’ve read a lot of your books and I’m always amazed at how different each one is. You know what I mean?
BOOTS
You want to know the truth? I made a spreadsheet. It has all the plots, all the names, the places, the characters, all of it. It has what the crime is, who did it and why, and if they get away with it.
KIRINI
A spreadsheet?
BOOTS
Yeah. I have thirty rows. I made it... I don’t know, twelve years ago.
KIRINI
But how did you come up with all that? Did you just sit down and fill it all in?
BOOTS
I assembled lists. Top 50 crimes in the US, 1988. Top 100 baby names in 1964, boys and girls. List of 50 mid-sized cities in the US. That kind of thing.
KIRINI
And you put them in your spreadsheet?
BOOTS
Yep.
KIRINI
Huh!
BOOTS
Then I find the row with the next book, figure out what the title will be and start filling in the pages.
KIRINI
That’s amazing. I never thought of that.
BOOTS
Like this one, The Tin Anniversary. I had the names of the husband and wife, their kids, the number of kids, the town, his job, her job, how old the kids were, all of it filled in already. The crime was that the children were going to kill the parents on their anniversary, by poisoning the cake. It was from a real murder case in Cincinnati in 1965.
KIRINI
Did they get away with it?
BOOTS
In real life? No, the police worked it out and locked up the kids. In the book, it’s a little different. I made the children grown and their motive was around the inheritance. The parents were going donate most of the money to their church, not to their kids. Seventy-percent to the church. Ten-percent to each of the two kids.
KIRINI
But that’s only ninety-percent.
BOOTS
The last ten was to cover the funeral costs and lawyer fees. She called it the 70-10-10-10 Plan. So the kids were going to forge a new will. Very tangled story.
KIRINI
Sounds good.
BOOTS
People loved it. Lots of families with drama like that. I don’t really make it up. I’m just a reporter, using fake names.
KIRINI
Well, you deserve some time off. Earned a rest.
BOOTS
Oh no! It’s back to the salt mine on Monday. The publishers want The Steel Trap ready for the spring launch, so it can be a beach-book sales-hit next year.
KIRINI
Wow, it never stops.
BOOTS
Kinda like you. You’re here all the time.
KIRINI
Gotta feed the people. Even if it is just beer.
SANDRA
Hey, Boots, what was that about you getting ‘canceled’ in Missouri? I saw it on Good Morning America.
BOOTS
Ugh! That. Yeah.
SANDRA
They way they talked about you! I said, none of that is true. Didn’t sound like you at all. What happened?
BOOTS
What happened?
SANDRA
Yeah.
BOOTS
So I’m in Kansas City. Nice place. Nice town. Good hotel. So I’m at the bookstore, big place called Pospero’s. I do the reading. People clap and we set up for the signing. All good. Then, you know what happened?
Kirini makes Boots another drink. They both watch and listen.
BOOTS
The people are in line and this lady says, ‘can you sign it for my husband?’ I say, sure, what’s his name. She say, ‘Quintavius’. I say, you’re going to have to spell that for me. She says, ‘Just say, This one’s for you, Q.’ OK. So I write it. This one’s for you, Q. We take a quick selfie and I sign all the rest of the books.
SANDRA
Uh-oh...
BOOTS
Right. By the time I walk out the front door, after signing a hundred or so books, with selfies... My phone is blowing up from my publisher. They are going nuts.
SANDRA
Oh, I saw that. That was the woman, on Twittah?
BOOTS
Her. She posted the photos of the book, and of me and her, and of my handwriting, saying ‘for you, Q’. Now there is a whole sensation where supposedly I’m in league with the Q whackos. Some said that I must be Q.
KIRINI
That Pizza-gate thing?
BOOTS
Oh, it goes much deeper than that. Lizard-people, aliens, Trump, the whole thing just goes on and on. No bottom. You never get to the end.
SANDRA
Lot of people are dopes.
KIRINI
Did that affect the book tour?
BOOTS
For a while. At the next stop, the Q-nuts are there in-force, to buy the book. But I tell them my publisher doesn’t want me talking about politics. So now they get out their torches and pitchforks, because I’m being ‘canceled’ by the NY mainstream media establishment. Such nonsense. But you know what?
KIRINI
What’s that?
BOOTS
Those angry-Karens, they buy a ton of my books. Even so, I want to make some kind of statement that I don’t have anything to do with Q or Trump or politics at all. I write mysteries. But my publisher says, don’t bite the hand that feeds you. And the strange part, it’s almost all women. The men come up in line and, generally, are pretty shy. They say, I really like your books. Can I sign it for Mike, or Steve? But these women, they’re insane.
SANDRA
You think it’s Facebook, does this?
BOOTS
Maybe. It’s like every keyboard warrior is always calling the charge, to ‘cancel’ or boycott, or publicly shame everybody. And it’s both sides. My publisher says that if I show support for the kooks, then the Lefties will blast me with flame-throwers. Ideological flame-throwers, of course.
KIRINI
Of course. The worst kind.
SANDRA
Except actual, you know.
KIRINI
Right. Actual, would be bad.
BOOTS
Heh! Yes, well, ideological is bad enough. So the PR people set up the GMA thing. I was in Minnesota but I flew back to New York to, hopefully, set things straight.
KIRINI
How’d that go?
SANDRA
You didn’t see it? It was, ummm, OK. Right?
BOOTS
I did as well as I could but I think they had an agenda, you know, to gin up ratings. If it was just me talking about my tenth book, that’s going to limit the audience. But if I am scrambling, because Stephanopoulos is grilling me, well, that gets eyeballs.
SANDRA
What’s George really like? Is he nice?
BOOTS
He is nice. He’s short but he’s nice. I’ve met him before a couple of times, at different events, on GMA. So I know he’s not going to crucify me. But he’s got a job to do, and he’s got his own spin on the larger political narrative. I get that. I’m not naïve. Well, not too much.
KIRINI
So what happened?
BOOTS
He asks what is going on and I tell them the same story, about the book for Quintavius. “This one’s for you, Q.” And he gets it. He understands that I’m telling the truth, that I’m not some crazy conspiracy person.
KIRINI
That’s good.
BOOTS
Then, I have to hand it to him. He’s a professional so he asks me what I think of the Q-Anon movement. This is where it gets a little slippery.
SANDRA
I’ll say.
BOOTS
So I say, I write mystery novels, where very strange things happen. There are conspiracies and double-dealing, and back-stabbing all over the place. But people being pedophiles and secretly lizards, that just seems really improbable. Occam’s Razor.
SANDRA
Here’s where it gets interesting.
KIRINI
Wait, now it get’s interesting?
BOOTS
So George says, Occam’s Razor? You know that the Q-Anon adherents use that as a special code-word when they think somebody, like a politician, is lying? Are you secretly signaling them?
KIRINI
What? Really?
BOOTS
So I say, No, of course not. I didn’t know that. How would I know that?
SANDRA
And George says, wouldn’t that be exactly what you would say if you were secretly signaling them?
BOOTS
I tell him that I use that expression all the time, when I’m writing, to test the plots. You know, when something seems so improbable that it is very unlikely to be true. Occam’s Razor.
SANDRA
And, you should have seen it, George leans over and says, “Boots, when you are in a hole, better stop digging.” Priceless.
KIRINI
Oh, boy.
BOOTS
So I pull myself together, pick up my book and look straight into the camera. I say, Look for the new Boots Morrin mystery at your local bookstore. And I smile like a crazy person.
SANDRA
Then they go to commercial. What did George say?
BOOTS
He was nice. He asked me how I was doing. I told him I was kind of rattled. But he said I did great but those Q people are insane.
SANDRA
I know. He’s been covering it on his special series. I follow it every morning.
KIRINI
You do?
SANDRA
Sure. And every day is weirder than the last. You wouldn’t believe it.
KIRINI
I live a sheltered life, I guess.
BOOTS
Let me tell you, it is a big world out there. By the time I made it to California, the Q-nuts were on to something else, I don’t know what. But in San Francisco, in Fresno, in Sacramento, people, women, all wanted me to make a Q in their books.
KIRINI
What did you do? Did you just roll with it?
BOOTS
My editor, Jane, bless her, she called me from New York during this whole thing. She said, imagine it is 1932 and fans want you to draw a swastika on the title page and sign it. At the time, maybe you think it’s kooky but no-harm done. But by the 1940s they start throwing your books onto bonfires.
KIRINI
So the Q people are NAZIs?
BOOTS
That’s what I asked. And she said, you don’t know. Nobody knows what’s going to happen. But just think of it as drawing a swastika when somebody wants you to sign a Q.
KIRINI
What’d you do?
BOOTS
Every time somebody would ask, I would say, I’m sorry. I am not political and I won’t sign my name to a political symbol.
SANDRA
And what did they say?
BOOTS
A lot of them were mad. But I thought, well, they’re already mad so this is just pissing in the ocean.
SANDRA
Ha! That’s right.
KIRINI
Heh! Good girl. Glad you’re back.
BOOTS
It’s comforting here. Ocean out the front door. And my pals at Sharkey’s.
KIRINI
It must get lonely on the road.
SANDRA
Lotta room service?
BOOTS
I mix it up. Some towns I just want to hide in the room with a hoagie and some white wine. Other times the book dealer wants to take me out, show me off to his friends. I don’t mind that. Some places I find a Sharkey’s and settle in, soak up the atmosphere, the local color.
SANDRA
Sometimes pick up a little action, on the side?
BOOTS
Maybe.
SANDRA
Maybe?
BOOTS
In Tulsa, there are cowboys.
SANDRA
Hoo! Yes.
BOOTS
And Bozeman has these nice men who fight fires.
SANDRA
Sounds like fun!
BOOTS
Well, here’s to nice men. Cheers!
SANDRA AND KIRINI
(together)
Cheers, Boots!
END