Sharky's Place: Elsa wants a Whistle!

Sharkey's Place
By Rick Regan
Season 2, Episode 9
Rick Regan
Raleigh.rickregan@gmail.com
919-218-8834SHARKEY’S PLACE - INT. - MORNING, COFFEE TIME
Kirini is selling coffee and Elsa is running the roaster, the
grinder and the brewer.
Aiden comes in.
AIDEN
Kiri, how are ya?
KIRINI
Aiden, good morning to you. Coffee?
AIDEN
I’d like a Harpoon but I’ll take a coffee. Black,
please.
KIRINI
Coming up.
AIDEN
You know I was thinking about what happened at the
soft opening the other night.
KIRINI
Were ya?
AIDEN
Yup.
KIRINI
(long pause)
And?
AIDEN
I’m not sure the concept is going.... I’m not sure
the customers are... I don’t know. I thought the
response would be more positive, more accommodating.
You know what I mean?
KIRINI
Aiden, you are taking risks. Not everybody likes to
have things change, even if it’s an improvement. Are
you improving things?
AIDEN
Did you see the carrots?! Did you see the turnips?!
They were beautiful! Beautiful.
KIRINI
I saw a Jack Sparrow pour the tequila off of the
carrots and drink it.2.
AIDEN
Pirates. Animals.
KIRINI
Probably the healthiest tequila he’d ever had.
AIDEN
Is it that hard to open minds? Open perspectives?
KIRINI
Well he seemed pretty open, after, what?, Four? Six?
Ounces of tequila brine. I’m surprised he didn’t go
outside and throw up.
AIDEN
I wish he had. At least he would have been outside.
Instead I had to put up with him raving like a
lunatic, about Elsa, if you recall.
KIRINI
I was gone by then. Back here at the shop. But what
was he saying about Elsa?
AIDEN
He’d been in -the one night!- The one night that she
worked for us. He couldn’t get over that fact that
she wasn’t there.
KIRINI
Jeez! You didn’t tell him she’s here, did you?!
AIDEN
No, no. Caiden told him to get out.
KIRINI
Did he go?
AIDEN
Well, Caiden hauled him out. I heard the noise so I
went out. Then we kicked his face in.
KIRINI
Holy Name!
AIDEN
And then we tossed him in the dumpster.
KIRINI
The dumpster?! He could have been killed! Did the
truck come around?
3.
AIDEN
Naw. It was the shell dumpster, for the oyster
shells. We have to recycle ‘em. That doesn’t come
until tomorrow.
KIRINI
Did you check on him?
AIDEN
Yeah, on the way over here. I guess he climbed out.
Wouldn’t have been a pretty sight though, sleeping it
off in a dumpster full of empty oyster shells.
KIRINI
Doesn’t sound like you’ll have a repeat customer
there.
AIDEN
No bother. What hurts is that the most successful
dishes were the tequila carrots, the gin beets and
the cherry tomatoes a la vodka.
KIRINI
Why’s that?
AIDEN
Because nobody ate the carrots or beets. They just
drank the liquor. Maybe I’ve got to change my
approach.
KIRINI
Or re-contextualize. See the customers for who they
are, not who you want them to be. Remember when the
college rowing team stopped at your place?
AIDEN
Yeah.
KIRINI
Well think of those boys. Would they rather have your
fried clams and scallops, or gin-beets? They gotta
fill up, ya’ know.
AIDEN
That would have been awkward. I see what you mean.
KIRINI
I’m not saying you shouldn’t take risks. I’m just
saying you gotta give people the option to order what
they really want.
AIDEN
But Myra made all those crazy dishes! It worked here.
4.
KIRINI
That was lunch. And that took time. The people who
came here for her lunch, were coming for her lunch.
AIDEN
I guess...
KIRINI
When she went to Florida for a week, we had cold
sandwiches. People bought ‘em. People ate ‘em. But
you know what? They weren’t coming for a packaged
sandwich they could get from Heather.
AIDEN
Cheaper at the Honk’R too.
KIRINI
But when Myra came back, word got around and people
came back for Myra’s lunch specials.
AIDEN
But what about the Squid?
KIRINI
Ask yourself, why do people come to the Squid?
AIDEN
For clams?
KIRINI
For clams, for scallops, for shrimp, for oysters.
Give them what they want.
AIDEN
You’re right. You know.
KIRINI
But if that’s not enough - for you, well, that’s
another story. That means you making a change and
finding a different place. We almost had it worked
out here.
AIDEN
Would you still hire me?
KIRINI
I’ve got Elsa now. I think the window is closed, for
now.
AIDEN
I can make the pancakes.
5.
KIRINI
But that’s not what you want to do. You know that.
You’ve got to find a new place, in a new town.
Milbridge isn’t big enough for you. Not enough people
here will understand what you are trying to do. Some,
but not enough.
AIDEN
Yeah, I mean, look at Myra.
KIRINI
Right.
AIDEN
Maybe I’ve got to go.
KIRINI
Or maybe... maybe, you tweak your menu, tune it up,
based on the ‘feedback’ from the customers, and keep
taking Turbo’s money.
AIDEN
Might work.
KIRINI
Give the people what they want, and make what you
want too. But without the expectation that the
customers are interested.
AIDEN
Just do it?
KIRINI
Myra was like that. I thought I had Yoko Ono in the
kitchen some times. She’d just make what she wanted
and if the customers didn’t like it, well it was
because they didn’t understand. But she adapted too.
AIDEN
Got to adapt.
KIRINI
I got to sell more coffee. Excuse me.
AIDEN
Sure.
Kirini pours more coffee for customer. Aiden goes to leave.
Elsa pops out of the kitchen and sees Aiden.
ELSA
Aiden? Aiden?
6.
AIDEN
(sees her)
Hey, El. How are you?
ELSA
Good, Aiden. You OK?
AIDEN
Sure.
ELSA
I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the open, with your new
menu. Kiri said it was great.
AIDEN
Did she? Well, she was the only one who liked it.
ELSA
But did you like it?
AIDEN
I guess it doesn’t matter if I like it, if the
customers don’t like it.
ELSA
Yeah.
AIDEN
But, I have to say, your coffee is marvelous. Better
than the Honk’R.
ELSA
Aw, thanks, Aiden. That’s sweet.
AIDEN
Well, I gotta...
ELSA
Listen, are we OK? You and me? I mean...
AIDEN
You and me? I didn’t think there was a you and me.
ELSA
Well... there’s not, really.
AIDEN
But, yeah, we’re OK.
ELSA
OK.
AIDEN
OK. So, I have to go.
7.
ELSA
OK.
AIDEN
See you round.
ELSA
OK.
AIDEN
OK.
Aiden goes out.
The coffee service resumes.
INT. SHARKEY’S PLACE - INT - EARLY EVENING
Kirini and Sandra are working the light crowd.
KIRINI
Say Sandra, did you and Cap get squared?
SANDRA
Squared?
KIRINI
About the pictures?
SANDRA
Yeah. He put them up on his lobster boat.
KIRINI
Front and back?
SANDRA
I guess. But the weather will beat the paint off ‘em,
I think.
KIRINI
In a tough winter?
SANDRA
Something like that.
KIRINI
Sandi?
SANDRA
Yeah?
KIRINI
Sandi, we should talk.
8.
SANDRA
I’m here. Are you feeling blue?
KIRINI
I mean, going forward.
SANDRA
Go ahead.
KIRINI
They say for a manager this is the hardest job you’ve
go to do.
SANDRA
You letting me go?
KIRINI
No! No. Of course not. It’s that I’m worried about
you being the manager.
SANDRA
Worried? Why?
KIRINI
I know you want to be the manager, and I talked about
having another place.
SANDRA
In Bangor.
KIRINI
But I’m not going to do that.
SANDRA
Have the extra place? Because I wanted to talk to you
about the manager role.
KIRINI
Right, about the manager role... er, position.
SANDRA
It’s just that, I don’t think I’m the right one.
KIRINI
What?
SANDRA
I did it, and... but... I don’t think I want to do
that. I don’t want to be the manager. I thought I did
but I realized that I don’t.
KIRINI
I don’t know what to say.
9.
SANDRA
I’m sorry. I know I’m letting you down.
KIRINI
No, no! I was thinking that I don’t want to open a
place in Bangor. I don’t want to franchise. I don’t
want to leave Milbridge.
SANDRA
But you need a manager.
KIRINI
Right. Me.
SANDRA
But I thought you are going back to New York.
KIRINI
Not anytime soon. Too much here.
SANDRA
So what do you want to do?
KIRINI
I want to sling the coffee with Elsa, and sling the
beers with you.
SANDRA
But the money’s in the Bluefin.
KIRINI
For Myra. Not for me.
SANDRA
But she’s a good horse. You could have ridden her for
years.
KIRINI
She’s got to go. She’s got to do better and rise
higher than us. Do more than Sharkey’s.
SANDRA
But what about us? Should we rise above Milbridge and
Sharkey’s?
KIRINI
I don’t know. If you have the talent. If you have the
drive. Like Aiden. He wants to be a notable chef. Is
he any good? Not for me to say.
SANDRA
Aiden?
10.
KIRINI
And Caiden. They can’t stay here. Or, they can, but
they won’t be happy. Are you happy?
SANDRA
If I don’t have to manage, then I’m happy.
KIRINI
What do you think about the stage?
SANDRA
Well, Neil was awful. We know that. But the Cap and
Boots spun some good yarn.
KIRINI
What about you? Have you got some stories to tell?
SANDRA
Me?
KIRINI
Yeah!
SANDRA
Me? I have to keep my stories to myself. But, there
is one thing.
KIRINI
What’s that?
SANDRA
I was coming over to work today.
KIRINI
Yeah?
SANDRA
Walking. Up the street.
KIRINI
Uh-huh.
SANDRA
And I saw my father coming the other way, across the
street.
KIRINI
Oh?
SANDRA
I couldn’t believe it. He looked like he looked,
maybe 20, 25 years ago. He usually wore a hat when he
went out. Dapper. A man with flair. Class.
11.
KIRINI
A hat?
SANDRA
Yeah. And there he was. And, I was just about to call
out to him, “Daddy!”, but then I remembered. He’s
been gone ten years now.
KIRINI
It was just a guy in a hat?
SANDRA
Just a guy in a hat. But he walked the same way. Same
grey slacks. But I think, maybe I just was thinking
about him and wanted to see him. You know?
KIRINI
I don’t know. Sometimes I wake up and I lie in bed
and talk to Georgios. Ask him what I should do. Tell
him what we’ve been up to.
SANDRA
Yeah? What does he say?
KIRINI
Heh! Not too much. I think he liked the stage though.
That was his kind of thing.
SANDRA
Elsa was telling me that Bella plays guitar. And
maybe she’d come sit in once in a while.
KIRINI
A guitar? A woman with a guitar would be good. Our
own Jewel.
SANDRA
Or Johnny Rotten, you never know with these kids.
KIRINI
That would be something, wouldn’t it. The Pistols in
Milbridge. Anarchy indeed.
SANDRA
Yeah, I think Bella Godspeed is more likely to have
an all-girl folk trio. But we’ll see.
KIRINI
Anybody up for tonight?
SANDRA
Elsa wants to do another spot. Says she’s working on
new material.
12.
KIRINI
But she bombed last time. Nobody laughed at anything.
SANDRA
That thing about her peeling potatoes and making her
own ninja outfit. That was funny.
KIRINI
You think so?
SANDRA
I laughed. Well, chuckled.
KIRINI
Hmmm. Well, if we don’t have Bella and the Mainer
Sisters yet, we’ll take what we can get.
SANDRA
We’ll see who turns up.
KIRINI
Say, you heard from Gordon? I haven’t seen him in a
couple of days.
SANDRA
He went up to Canada.
KIRINI
Canada?
SANDRA
With Boots. On her book thing, movie thing. He said
he wanted to see how the sausage on TV gets made.
KIRINI
Gordo went to Toronto with Boots?
SANDRA
Yeah. And Guelph.
KIRINI
Did they travel together?
SANDRA
I don’t know anything about it. He just said he was
going. Support for Boots, you know? Why? You still
holding a candle for the Captain?
KIRINI
Maybe.
SANDRA
Blow it out. You can do better.
13.
KIRINI
With who? Turbo?
SANDRA
No. Fuck that guy.
KIRINI
Yeah. But look around. What am I supposed to do?
SANDRA
What do I do?
KIRINI
I don’t know. You’re Sandra. Everybody wants you.
SANDRA
Cast your net wide. Throw back the runts, then
measure up the keepers. Maybe use one for bait.
KIRINI
Bait?
SANDRA
Yeah. Like, one of Alexi’s buddies texted me.
KIRINI
A Russian?
SANDRA
American. Black guy. Real sweet. But a lot of New
York cash.
KIRINI
Wow! You’re really working the field.
SANDRA
Like I said, cast your net wide.
KIRINI
What’s his name?
SANDRA
Raymond, but they call him Romeo. He’s kind of a
player.
KIRINI
You’re kind of a catch.
SANDRA
We’ll see. I’m going to take a couple of days off
next week and head down to the City. Maybe we hit it
off.
14.
KIRINI
Maybe bring him to Milbridge.
SANDRA
Eh, Milbridge isn’t his kind of place.
KIRINI
Why? Is he real tall, like a basketball player? I
mean he would be the only Black person in a hundred
miles. He’d probably stand out.
SANDRA
No. He’s not as tall as me, at least in heels. He’s
like a professor, quiet, smart.
KIRINI
Huh? A Black guy?
SANDRA
Yeah.
KIRINI
What’s he doing with Alexi and his crowd?
SANDRA
They are all money people. It’s ‘derivatives’,
‘tranches’, ‘leverage’, all of it. I don’t know what
Ray does.
KIRINI
I’d like to meet him. Bring him up.
SANDRA
We’ll see. Take a trial-run next week.
KIRINI
You’ve earned it, sister.
SANDRA
You think?
KIRINI
I just want you to come back. I couldn’t do it
without you.
SANDRA
Sure you could.
KIRINI
But I wouldn’t want to. If you were gone, and Myra
gone, it’d be just me and Elsa. And who knows how
long she’ll stay. It makes my heart heavy just
thinking about it. Lonely.
15.
SANDRA
Hey, hey! It’s OK. I like it here. I’ve been here a
long time. It’s going to be OK. You got this.
KIRINI
Thanks.
INT. SHARKEY’S PLACE - LATER
Kirini and Sandra are handling the crowd. The stage is down
and the lights are ready to go.
Aiden and Caiden are at a table near the stage, with beer
bottles on the table.
AIDEN
You think we ought to do it?
CAIDEN
Stand up?
AIDEN
Yeah? A buddy act.
CAIDEN
Brothers.
AIDEN
Quick, you know?
CAIDEN
People like that, when things move along.
AIDEN
Yeah, but what could we talk about? Sports?
CAIDEN
TV?
AIDEN
Restaurants?
CAIDEN
Customers?
AIDEN
Customers. Like that guy we had to throw in the
dumpster.
CAIDEN
Or the chick who was complaining on Yelp.
16.
AIDEN
About napkins.
CAIDEN
Sheez! She deserved it.
AIDEN
But the look on her face.
CAIDEN
When you slapped her. Priceless!
AIDEN
Might’a left a mark.
CAIDEN
Gave her a lesson though.
AIDEN
Or that smug punk.
CAIDEN
That guy. That face.
AIDEN
I’ve said it before, but he had a very punch-able
face.
CAIDEN
Very. That attitude.
AIDEN
Changed quick though, didn’t it.
CAIDEN
Everybody’s got a plan,
AIDEN
‘Til they get punched in the face.
CAIDEN
Mike Tyson.
AIDEN
Mike Tyson.
CAIDEN
Iron Mike.
AIDEN
What’s he doing these day, you suppose?
17.
CAIDEN
That guy? If I’m him, I’m laying on my king-sized
bed, swimming in hundred-dollar bills.
AIDEN
With a model.
CAIDEN
Maybe a different one every day.
AIDEN
Different bed?
CAIDEN
Different model. Don’t want to get bored.
AIDEN
That’s how you blow through the cash though. Those
models are expensive. It’s like leasing a Mercedes.
An oil change costs you three hundred bucks.
CAIDEN
Or more! Forget rotating the tires. It’s leased. Give
’em back bald. Take it street racing.
AIDEN
Hill climbing! Like Pike’s Peak. Leave the sticker in
the glove box: This Car Climbed Pikes Peak.
CAIDEN
Or dirt track racing. It’s leased. You’re going to
give it back. Maybe wash it first.
AIDEN
What, the car, or the models?
CAIDEN
Good point.
AIDEN
The models, taking a bath. I’d pay for that.
CAIDEN
Top dollar.
AIDEN
I wonder where you sign up to have models come to
your house every day?
CAIDEN
Is there a menu? Like, I get to pick?
18.
AIDEN
Like when you go to the Chinese place. I can’t say
the names. Just point at the picture.
CAIDEN
That one. The blonde one. Then the black-haired girl.
AIDEN
Then the red head.
CAIDEN
For dessert.
AIDEN
Save the sweets for the final course?
CAIDEN
As you do. Traditionally.
AIDEN
Yeah, if I’m Mike Tyson, I’m swimming in hundred
dollar bills.
CAIDEN
With a model.
AIDEN
While some guy waxes my leased Benz.
CAIDEN
Resting up after the nighttime dirt-track racing.
AIDEN
With a beer.
CAIDEN
Champagne, if I won.
AIDEN
And I’m Iron Mike, of course I won!
CAIDEN
Of course. You’re the Champ.
AIDEN
You know it.
CAIDEN
Speaking of...
(waves at Sandra)
SANDRA
Another beer there, boys?
(MORE)
19.
CAIDEN
Couple of Harps wouldn’t go wrong.
SANDRA
Coming up.
Elsa approaches Sandra. They say a few words.
SANDRA (CONT’D)
(to Aiden)
Here you go, fellas.
She drops off the beer and goes to the stage.
Kirini turns the lights down and the microphone on. The mic
is in a common mic stand in the center of the stage.
The crowd cheers. Sandra shows off, swiveling and waving for
the crowd.
SANDRA (CONT’D)
Hey guys! Hey! Thanks for coming out tonight. We’ve
got another barn-burner for you coming up. But I need
to mention that we’ve got a musical act coming to the
stage soon. Bella Godspeed sent word that she wants
to entertain you screw-heads. Can you believe that?
Yeah, I know. Listen, I’ll be coming around with
drinks but let’s be respectful tonight. We’ve got
Elsa Godspeed back. And, I know, I know, maybe it
didn’t go so well last time but she’s working it out.
Now let’s see, real quick, who needs a beer? Show of
hands.
She looks out at the crowd, seeing the hands around the room.
SANDRA (CONT’D)
Hank? Couple for you. Steve, in the back. Gotcha.
Officer Williams, couple of Harps? OK? OK.
Well let’s get going. Back to the stage tonight, we
are pleased to have our very own Elsa Godspeed. Give
it up for Elsa!
The crowd claps and cheers.
Sandra picks up the beers, moves through the room and things
quiet down.
ELSA
(at the mic)
So….. I'm in the market for a new whistle.
ELSA (CONT’D)
(MORE)
20.
I was watching a game on TV and whenever something
happened, a guy would blow a whistle. The referee,
he's the guy with the whistle. TWEET! Stop the play!
In basketball. In football. In hockey and soccer. The
referee blows the whistle. And then he says what the
penalty is - and they all listen to him. TWEET!
I want a whistle! I want to be like the ref.
A guy is tailgating me when I’m driving. TWEET!
That's encroachment! 50-yard penalty. Back up! Back
off. I don't like to be rushed, have people pushing
me to hurry.
But I don't like it when somebody slows me down
either. I'm at the Hannaford and an old lady has a
tomato and one apple. And she wants to write a check.
TWEET! Delay of Game! Go to the penalty box! Write
your check in there. Two minutes. Come out when you
are ready. Don't slow everybody else down.
Or my boyfriend, he's always wants to grab me,
groping, going for the boob-honk. TWEET! Illegal Use
of the Hands! Five Yard Penalty. Back up. Keep your
hands to yourself.
And it happens on the Web too. You know what I'm
talking about. I'm looking for a specific thing,
right, like my bank balance. I want to know how much
money I've got, or how little, if it's after the
weekend. I click on the thing that's going to show me
the number, and BOOM!, here's an ad for the shoes I
was looking at two-weeks-ago!
"Hurry in! We've got a BOGO sale!" TWEET! Unnecessary
obstruction! Go away! "But we have these kitten-heels
in yellow-and-blue! Slava Ukraine!" TWEET!
Unnecessary Bullshit! There is no way that youselling shoes, is me-supporting Ukraine.
It's like the "support the troops!" charities.
(sarcastic) "You want to support the troops, don't
you?" TWEET! Excessive Guilt Tripping! I support the
troops. I pay taxes! That's what the VA is for. Don't
nickel-and-dime me for your bogus charity. If the
Veterans Administration is underfunded, go talk to
Congress about it. Don't hassle me for your nakedgrift. Leave me alone.
I wish somebody had a big whistle for when a
politician is lying.
ELSA (CONT’D)
(MORE)
21.
(exaggerated) "My esteemed colleague, across the
aisle, is a philandering-homosexual space-alien and a
pedophile." TWEET! Unsubstantiated ad-hominem attack!
Go to the penalty box! Sit down and think about the
consequences of your actions. Try learning how to be
a decent human being!
But that's no use. It’s all lies. It would just be
all whistles, all the time. That's all it would be,
constant whistles.
And it defeats the purpose, because when the ref has
a whistle, he's the only one that gets to blow the
whistle. If anybody else has a whistle then it messes
up the whole game. You have to agree that somebody is
in charge.
Like the old traffic-cop, standing there, waving
people through an intersection, blowing the whistle.
I still think it would be great though. Wear the
striped shirt. You know, black and white stripes.
It's a good look. Slimming. And nobody messes with
the ref.
It's like when I'm at the drug store, stocking up on
tampons and I'm already in a bad mood. A guy wants to
cut-in-line. If I was in the striped-shirt and had a
whistle, I'd let him have it!
But I'm not. I'm just standing there, in my blue-andyellow kitten-heels.
And I've got to yell at the guy, "Hey, buddy, there's
a line here."
And he says, "Yeah? Now I'm in line. What are you
going to do about it?"
At this moment, I think, I'm not a violent person.
I'm all for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of
Happiness.
But right now I'd like to drop a Hellfire missile on
this jerk's head. I'd like to call-in a coordinated
airstrike to vaporize him right in front of me.
But I don't.
I say, "OK. You probably have a lot going on in your
life. It's hard. I get that. You've probably got
issues.
ELSA (CONT’D)
22.
But I don't think I'm really the person to help you
sort out the alcoholism, porn-addiction and general
lack-of-direction in your life. You've got to tackle
those things yourself. But, if it makes your day a
little better to step ahead of all of these other
people, then, g'head."
See that's turning the other cheek.
Without a whistle, we've got to each do our part. But
it's not easy.
I'd really rather have a whistle.
Thanks for listening. I’m Elsa Godspeed.
Elsa comes off stage. The crowd has a smattering of applause.
Sandra goes back up into the light. The crowd cheers loudly
when she appears in the light!
SANDRA
Alright, boys! Let’s give Elsa a big hand. Thank you,
Elsa. Good stuff. Maybe we all need a whistle.
So that’s it for tonight. Let’s turn down the lights,
turn up the music and have some fun! Woo-Hoo!
The crowd cheers and the party rolls on.
END