Sharky's Place: Magda Arrives.

INT. SHARKEY’S PLACE - MID-MORNING
Kirini is here, sweeping up and arranging the furniture. The bar is closed.
Magda is a Mexican woman in her early thirties.
MAGDA
Hello?
KIRINI
Sorry. We’re closed. I’ll open at three.
MAGDA
Hello?
KIRINI
I’m sorry. We’re closed right now.
MAGDA
I’m here to help you.
KIRINI
Hi. I’m sorry. What?
MAGDA
I’m here to help you. Can I come in?
KIRINI
No, We’re closed. Come back at three.
MAGDA
I will cook for you.
KIRINI
You cook?
MAGDA
Yes. I am Magda.
KIRINI
Hmm. OK. Come in, Magda.
Magda comes inside and looks around.
MAGDA
This is a very nice place.
KIRINI
Thank you. Now, what do you cook?
MAGDA
Whatever you want. Burritos al pastor. Chile Rellenos Enchiladas, Tostada de Carnitas. Whatever you want.
KIRINI
So... Mexican.
MAGDA
No, Just food. Good food. Here, I show you.
KIRINI
Now?
MAGDA
I make you Jamon Torta. How about that?
KIRINI
Well, the kitchen is not really stocked...
MAGDA
Then, maybe, Huevos Rancheros. Let’s see.
Magda begins rummaging around in the kitchen. Kirini here’s a burner lighting, some chopping, mixing and stirring.
Kirini goes to the bar and sits, waiting for Magda.
MAGDA
Here. Something for breakfast.
Magda puts down a plate with a perfect omelet. It has bits of ham, caramelized onion and chopped green chives.
KIRINI
It’s beautiful. And that was fast.
MAGDA
You see? I cook for you.
KIRINI
It’s very good. Thank you. You have worked in a kitchen before?
MAGDA
My mother had a small place, in Veracruz. In Mexico. I have worked in hotels, restaurants, bars. My husband sent me over. His brother came in here this week and said your cook had gone. Ollie said I should come and help you.
KIRINI
I see. You live in Milbridge? I don’t remember seeing you around.
MAGDA
My husband works at the marina. He repairs motors.
KIRINI
And you cook?
MAGDA
Yes. I worked at Los Cuates, in Ellsworth. We were there for three years. But now Ollie’s cousin Jollie works in Milbridge and said we should come up. He’s been there for three weeks now.
KIRINI
Ollie and Jollie?
MAGDA
Cousins.
KIRINI
Does he like it, at the marina?
MAGDA
Oh, yes! He says the man in charge is really good. Honest. Pays good. And they need him.
KIRINI
Well, it’s good to be needed.
MAGDA
So, I cook for you now?
KIRINI
Ok. Well, yes. I think so. Umm... I’m not really doing food right now. I don’t really have a food plan.
MAGDA
I can make whatever you want. Tacos, enchiladas, even flan.
KIRINI
Can you roast coffee?
MAGDA
Of course! That is the best way, the only way. Mi mami, in Veracruz, she roasted her beans every day. Grinding by hand, you know?
KIRINI
The coffee is very popular in the morning. But I don’t have the time for it, but the customers, they really liked it.
MAGDA
I should take a look?
KIRINI
Yes.
Magda goes into the kitchen. Kirini hears big things moving around.
MAGDA
Yes. I can do that. This is a very nice machine you have!
KIRINI
Yeah, it’s pretty new. I got it for...
MAGDA
The last woman?
KIRINI
Yes, well, the one before that. So, OK, I’ll call Sam, see if he can get us some beans, see what’s available and good.
MAGDA
Can he get beans from Mexico, from Veracruz? These are the best in the world, from Córdoba.
KIRINI
Really?
MAGDA
Oh, yes! I will show you. And I can make a very special coffee, roasting with cinnamon, and a pinch of sugar.
KIRINI
In the roaster?
MAGDA
Added right at the end, so it does not burn. Very special.
KIRINI
Hang on. Let me call Sam.
Kirini picks up her phone and calls Sam The Butcher.
KIRINI
Hey, Sam! It’s me, Kiri. At Sharkey’s. Yeah, yeah. Doing good. You? OK. Hey, listen, I need some more coffee beans, green ones for roasting. I’ve got a new person here. She says she can run Myra’s roaster.
[pause]
Yeah? Good. OK, look, she wants beans from Mexico. Says Veracruz.
[listens]
OK, well bring me ten pounds of what you got on hand. We’ll order the rest. OK? OK. Thank you, Sammie!

MAGDA
So?
KIRINI
Sam says he’s got to order that special. But he’s got ten pounds of Columbian beans he can bring over today. He’ll be here after lunch.
MAGDA
So? I can start?
KIRINI
OK. Magda. Is that short for something? Magdalene?
MAGDA
Magdalena. De KiNo, It is the town where my mother was born.
KIRINI
Oh. OK. Right. So, let’s talk.
MAGDA
OK.
KIRINI
Do you want to work days? Or nights? This is really a tavern. We do most of our business at night.
MAGDA
But coffee in the morning?
KIRINI
When Myra was here, she’d come in early, roast and grind the coffee. Then I’d open at seven. We’d do lunch from eleven to one. Then close until the night shift.
MAGDA
How much can you pay?
KIRINI
Five-hundred dollars a week.
MAGDA
And the hours?
KIRINI
Three hours in the morning, three hours for lunch.
MAGDA
Everyday?
KIRINI
Closed on Monday.
MAGDA
Five hundred? I can do better than that.
KIRINI
Well, I pay for talent. If you’re good, I’ll give you a fifty dollar raise at the end of the month.
MAGDA
Still... I need more than that. I can make that at Hannaford.
KIRINI
Then go work at Hannaford.
MAGDA
You can’t do any better?
KIRINI
Well... I could do six hundred a week, after a month, if you are worth it.
MAGDA
Six hundred? OK. We’ll shake on it.
KIRINI
Is it going to be worth it?
MAGDA
Oh yes.
Kirini shakes her hand.
KIRINI
OK. Deal. You can start today?
MAGDA
Sure, OK.
KIRINI
OK. While we wait for Sam to bring the coffee, you take a look at the kitchen. See what you need, and think about a menu for lunches, for the week.
MAGDA
OK.
KIRINI
I’ve got to finish cleaning up.
MAGDA
I can send my cousin. She will clean for you.
KIRINI
Your cousin is a cleaner?
MAGDA
She is Jolly’s wife. She cleans for his boss’s house but she wants a better job. She doesn’t like houses. She wants to build her business.
KIRINI
Sure, why not? What’s her name?
MAGDA
Juana. I can call her.
KIRINI
Not right now. Send her tomorrow. Right now, think about a menu. Maybe a soup and a sandwich special for each day. Something tasty, not too expensive.
MAGDA
OK. I give you a menu for the week.
KIRINI
Alright. Well, welcome to Sharkey’s Place.
MAGDA
Are you Sharkey?
KIRINI
No, Sharkey’s dead.
MAGDA
Oh! I’m so sorry.
KIRINI
Long time ago. Just work on the menu.
MAGDA
Right away.
Magda goes into the kitchen.
Kirini watches her leave and looks around the room.
KIRINI
What just happened here?
INT. SHARKEY'S PLACE - MORNING
Kirini has the open sign on and coffee cups set up.
Gordon knocks on the door and pokes his head in.
GORDON
Kiri? You open?
KIRINI
Back in the coffee business, Gordo. Fancy a cup?
GORDON
Is it as good as Myra’s?
KIRINI
Not yet, but I’m hopeful. Try it.
GORDON
Oh! That’s tasty. Mmm.
KIRINI
I’ve got a new person. Magda. She’s Mexican.
GORDON
How delightful!
KIRINI
We’ll see how it goes. She seems pretty steady. She showed up on time, so that’s good.
GORDON
Always a good sign.
KIRINI
Right.
GORDON
It reminds me of my days on Grand Banks. In the morning, the first chore is coffee. Then check the seas, then the weather. But always coffee first. Clears the mind. Settles the stomach.
KIRINI
True.
GORDON
I was nineteen, fit and strong. The captain, a true Mainer salt, he put his cup in a compass gimbal.
KIRINI
A gimbal?
GORDON
It’s like a hammock, for a cup. No matter the waves or winds, his cup was always steady. Him, not so much. I remember pulling into the bay at Charlottetown, loaded to the gun’ls with cod and Arctic char. A mighty and prodigious haul, a gift from the sea for the captain and crew. Like giddy schoolboys, the crew and I unloaded our catch, stacking the guilders in our heads. When the captain had the tally, he collected in cash at the broker’s. We all took our share and headed into town, flush with cash, filled with youth and beauty, and hungry after a month at sea. You know where this is going?
KIRINI
A story as old as sailors on the sea.
GORDON
When we gathered in the morning at the boat, heads aching from rum, feet worn from dancing and eyes drooping for lack of sleep, we waited for the captain. The sun came up on us at the docks. I went for breakfast and coffee, bringing some eggs and sausages for the boys. Then the sun was overhead at noon, and then setting in the afternoon. We loitered and inquired at other boats. Had anyone seen the captain?
KIRINI
What happened?
GORDON
Just then, as the bottom rim of the sun touched the horizon out at sea, here comes the captain down the walk. Nary a word from the old man, just up and on the boat. We followed along. I took up the count. All present. I nodded. The captain nodded. And away we went.
KIRINI
That’s odd.
GORDON
And he took us out of the harbor to some clear water and turned to the First and said, “Make for the Bank.” And he went to bed. We fished another month, filling our pockets with pay and our bellies with rum.
KIRINI
Did you go back then?
GORDON
I had enough to put money down on my own boat, so I did. That’s when I started. Now I am thirty years on the water.
KIRINI
You heading out today, Cap?
GORDON
Couldn’t keep me away, especially after a start with this. Bracing stuff.
KIRINI
I’ll tell her.
GORDON
So we’re making for Fundy this morning. Be there a few days with traps and some lines. Give me a kiss for luck, will you?
KIRINI
May you sit at Poseidon's right hand.

she kisses him
GORDON
Ah, you’re the best, Kir. I fall in love with you every day.
KIRINI
That’s the same thing you tell the lobsters, you goat.
GORDON
Both are true. Both are true. Thanks again.
He leaves
Kirini watches him go and then follows him out the door.
Magda brings a fresh pot of coffee out, and sees nobody there. She looks around.
BOOTS
Kiri, dear? Kiri, do you have coffee?
MAGDA
Hello.
BOOTS
Oh! Hello. Is Kirini here?
MAGDA
No,
BOOTS
Oh. Um... do you have coffee.
MAGDA
Yes. I roast it. I grind it. Would you like to try?
BOOTS
I’ll take a cup to go. I dropped in to see if Kiri was doing alright. Is she?
MAGDA
Oh, yes. She hired me yesterday. Try this.
BOOTS
My, my! That’s just what I need. Here.
she puts money on the bar
MAGDA
I.. I don’t handle the money.
BOOTS
Just put it in the jar.
MAGDA
Ok.
she puts money in the jar
BOOTS
So, where are you from? What’s your name?
MAGDA
I am Magdalena de Kino Lopez Alvarez. From Veracruz.
BOOTS
That’s swell. I’m Boots. Nice to meet ya. And, good coffee.
MAGDA
Thank you.
BOOTS
Tell Kiri that Boots came by, would you?
MAGDA
Yes, Miss Boots.
BOOTS
Veracruz? Hmmm. I did a book there once, “Banana Dancing”. It was fun. I stayed in a converted old convent while I was writing, right on the harbor. Lovely place.
MAGDA
The Veracruz Centro? Yes, that was my mother’s school, when she was a child. There were Spanish nuns there for four hundred years!
BOOTS
Is that right? Well it was lovely.
MAGDA
She was going to be a nun when she finished school. The Sisters of Guadalupe.
BOOTS
Is that Jesuit?
MAGDA
Benedictine order. But she never finished.
BOOTS
She met your father?
MAGDA
Yes.
BOOTS
[melancholy] That’s how it goes. That’s how it goes.
MAGDA
Yes. And I will tell Kirini that you were here.
BOOTS
Thanks.
Kirini comes in before Boots can get out.
KIRINI
Boots! Good morning.
BOOTS
And to you. I just stopped by. I saw the open sign. I wondered if you were back with the coffee. Just hoping really.
KIRINI
You met Magda?
BOOTS
Yes. We were discussing Ole Me-hico.
KIRINI
Is that right?
BOOTS
Well I just wanted to drop in. Did you see the Captain this morning? He’s headed out to sea for a while.
KIRINI
I just saw him off. He came in for coffee, pretty early. I walked down to the dock with him. It’s so pretty in the morning. So quiet.
MAGDA
Miss Boots likes the coffee, Miss Kiri.
KIRINI
Do you? That’s good. Gordon liked it too.
BOOTS
Did he? Fresh and hot. That’s his style.
KIRINI
Yes. I mean, I wonder about that life, being on the water.
BOOTS
The trackless seas, guided by the wind and the stars. He says he smell the sea-floor by the whiff of mud on the breeze. With only the crew to talk to. And we know those guys! An evening is too much most of the time, but to spend weeks on end with those boys? No way.
KIRINI
I mean, what happens to a person when he is away from the land, from family, from civilization? Who do you become?
BOOTS
For them? They are heroes. They go out and battle the sea-dragons! And come back with lusty tales of adventure! The hero’s life.
KIRINI
And us? Is that just for men, to be heroes? What do we do?
BOOTS
Kiri, what’s the matter? What are you talking about?
KIRINI
I want to know what I’m doing, serving coffee in a tavern in Maine. What am I doing here?
MAGDA
I will serve the coffee, Miss Kiri. My sister can come up and make the lunches.
KIRINI
Your sister?
MAGDA
Olivia. She is not better than me, but she works hard. I can show her.
KIRINI
And how much with that cost? Now that I have you, your cousin, and now your sister?
MAGDA
Don’t worry about the price. She is very fast with the burritos. I will make sure that all the tables are full, in the morning for coffee and tacos, and for lunch, burritos with Chicharróns. People will line up for them!
BOOTS
I think you have a new partner here, Kiri.
MAGDA
My sister is in Virginia. I will call her.
KIRINI
Is she married?
MAGDA
No, She is young and free. But I will put her to work!
she exits with phone
BOOTS
But what is going on with you and Gordon?
KIRINI
I should ask you the same thing. Guelph?
BOOTS
Oh, the Canada trip! It was all meetings. He came along to support me but I didn’t see much of him. I was in meetings all day, events every night and in bed alone.
KIRINI
And Gordo?
BOOTS
He roamed.
KIRINI
What?
BOOTS
I asked him what he was doing and he said he was ‘roaming.’ As if that meant anything. No, he wandered downtown Toronto like The Ancient Mariner, eyeing the locals like a fiendish ghost. He told me he fished all three lakes, Ontario, Erie and Huron.
KIRINI
How did he do that?
BOOTS
Around every corner there was a waterman who knew him. Captains, fisherman, coast guard, you name it. Crew from so many boats, hailing him from across the street. He lives in another world, just overlaid on the rest of us.
KIRINI
But all men?
BOOTS
Universally. Greeting each other like the crewmen of the Odyssey, each just back from battling a Minotaur or a pod of angry whales. Shouting about the great times on the water. He was busier than me. Sleeping on boats, bunking with crewmen at the wharf, showering at the YMCA.
KIRINI
He never mentioned any of that to me.
BOOTS
Me either.
KIRINI
Then how did you know?
BOOTS
I made him turn on location-sharing on his phone, in case either of us got into trouble. I don’t think he knew what it was, honestly. But get into trouble he did. My day was hotel-office-gallery-hotel. Rinse and repeat. His?! Oh my! I watched him set off onto Lake Ontario, thinking, what the hell is he doing?!
KIRINI
But he came back.
BOOTS
I think... mostly... to see you.
KIRINI
Me?
BOOTS
You are the one in his heart, not me.
KIRINI
Boots, that’s not true. He rescued you, you told me. When you were depressed.
BOOTS
He has a big heart.
KIRINI
Yes.
BOOTS
And a taste for youth and beauty. Do you understand?
KIRINI
Yes. But what do I do?
BOOTS
About Gordo? Nothing.
KIRINI
Nothing?
BOOTS
He fishes. He comes back. Then he fishes again. Nothing for you - or me - to do. But,
KIRINI
But?
BOOTS
I want to do another open mic.
KIRINI
Again?
BOOTS
I’m working on my new book and I want to get some reactions. Make some notes.
KIRINI
OK. When?
BOOTS
Is tonight too soon?
KIRINI
Whenever you want. Eight o’clock. I’ll have the stage ready.
BOOTS
OK. Thanks, Kiri. And, don’t worry about Cap.
KIRINI
Right. OK. See you tonight.
Boots exits.
INT. SHARKEY'S PLACE - EVENING
Kirini is alone, working the room and handling the bar. She’d put up the ‘open mic’ sign in the afternoon and now the place was filling up.
Aiden and Caiden come in, looking around at the nearly full room.
AIDEN
No room at the Inn.
CAIDEN
A crowded house.
Kirini sees them, waves them to the bar.
KIRINI
Hey fellas, you mind slinging a few beers for me. I got my hands full.
CAIDEN
Anything for you.
AIDEN
At your service.
She hands them trays of beer bottles.
KIRINI
Two at table Three; two at table Six; and four at the booth in the back. I’ll comp you when you get back.
CAIDEN
Got it.
KIRINI
Two at Two and four at Five. Free one for you after.
AIDEN
Speaking my language!
KIRINI
What? Free beer?
AIDEN
My favorite brand!
Aiden take the bottles and distributes them. Kirini tallies up the tabs at the register. Aiden and Caiden return, empty handed.
KIRINI
One more thing. Can you get the stage ready. It’s down but the mic is not set up and the light, I don’t know. I can’t get it to work.
AIDEN
Good thing the experts are here.
CAIDEN
You’re in good hands.
They go and tend to the electrical issues. Kirini pulls out more beer bottles.
When the lights are down and the stage is set, Kirini makes it to the stage. She waves to Aiden and Caiden to take up the bottles.
KIRINI
(on stage)
Good evening! Good evening. Thanks for coming out tonight. I think we’ve got some fun lined up and maybe something unexpected. But before we start, who needs a beer? Show of hands.
She point Aiden and Caiden to the people with raised hands.
KIRINI
Charley? Good. Tommy? Two? OK. Jimmy, gotcha. Boys, stay on top of ‘em. If you need a beer during the show, just raise your hand. I’ll send the boys. And just so you know, they work for free beer - but they will take your tips so show ‘em some love and they’ll love you.
Crowd laughs.
KIRINI
OK. Tonight, coming up, Boots Moran is going to be sharing a work in progress. We’re lucky to have her talent in town so be nice to her. Unlike the victims in her stories, when she murders you, you’ll be laughing not bleeding.
Crowd laughs.
KIRINI
But one more thing, anybody else want to take a swing at the open mic? Anybody?
AIDEN
(from the bar)
We’re going to take shot. Later, after Boots.
KIRINI
OK! Aiden and Caiden, returning to the stage. Anybody else?
An older man in a black cardigan and black shirt raises his hand.
KIRINI
You, sir! Ready for your time in the spotlight?
(man nods)
Alright, we’ll see if we can squeeze you in. Right now, let’s bring up Boots Moran!
Crowd cheers. Boots makes her way to the stage.
BOOTS
Hello good people of Milbridge, my hometown! You Maine-iacs are the best! I’ve travelled all over the country, all over the world, and I just can’t wait to get home. Because you people are the best!

So, anyway, I’m working on a new book. My working title is “India Ink Vengeance”, though my publisher doesn’t like it. We’ll see.

And it’s about a woman who ends up dead, in a house by herself. She has tattoo in a very private place... down there, that nobody is supposed to see. Was it an accident, suicide - or murder? This is based on a real story too.

This part is near the end, where the cops are interrogating a new suspect. He was shot in a liquor store robbery and is in the hospital.

Shall I read some?
The crowd cheers.
BOOTS
Alright. Here goes:

In the house, Jeffery Stillwell looked down at the woman on the bed. She was snoring, already. The woman, Corrina Hawkins, had a facelift the day before. Her face was bandaged and her eyes were both covered, taped shut. This is kind of crazy, he thought.
She continued snoring.

But in that moment, looking down at the woman, he felt that she deserved some dignity. He pulled down her nighty, and pulled up the bed covers. She snored peacefully.

He thought, I got what I came for, and it was time to go.

He had gone secretly into his long-absent father’s Memphis house, but the old man wasn’t there.

And, if he happened to find his father’s new wife, or girlfriend, or whoever she was, and if she happened to think he was his father, and wanted something out of it, he would take what was offered. But now it was time to go.

Stillwell went down the hallway, out through the kitchen and out the door. Now he was in a hospital talking to the cops.

Stillwell told the detective he was a throw-back, keeping the old ways. Traditional.
“I didn’t kill nobody,” he said.

He didn’t take charity. He worked. He’d been in Memphis for six-weeks and had his own apartment.

He’d come down from Sevierville, leaving his mother behind, because he wanted to meet that bastard who’d made him. Who’d left his mother, pregnant and alone. She’d gone back up the mountain and stayed with her own people.

These city-sumbitches can kiss my ass, he thought. He believed that a man should stand for something.

And, really, he didn’t blame that greasy old-cracker at the Grocery Boy, Jr. Maybe that old-boy didn’t realize that he’d messed up the change and this old-time mountain man was up in his face, about breaking a twenty-dollar bill.

Maybe I’d a shot me too, if I’d a been him, he thought.

OK, y’all, that’s enough for now. You like it?
Crowd has mix of cheers and boos. Very mixed reaction. Somebody shouts that she should read ‘the sex scene!’
BOOTS
Huh. OK. OK. So maybe I’ve got some work to do. Well, I appreciate your time. Kiri, back to you.
Boots comes off stage, rattled by the mixed reaction.
KIRINI
Wow! Boots, that’s a hot one. Thanks. Folks, give it up for Boots Moran!
Crowd cheers!
KIRINI
OK. We’ve got a couple more. Aiden? You want to come up.
AIDEN
[shouting] After the old man.
KIRINI
After? OK. So, sir, are you ready? What’s your name?
The older man in a black outfit comes up to the stage. He leans into the microphone.
FR. JOE
I’m Father Joe.
KIRINI
Are you a priest?
FR. JOE
Not anymore. And I have a confession to make.
KIRINI
Whoa! Hang on. Are you sure you want to do this in public?
FR. JOE
Yes. It has to be public.
KIRINI
OK. Folks, Father Joe!
Only one person claps.
FR. JOE
You folks won’t know me. I was a priest in Alabama. Birmingham, Alabama. But I was born in Ireland. And I have a confession that I want to make to you, tonight.

You see, I was abused in a church school when I was a child, physically. Beatings. That’s the way it was then. The belt or the strap. Then at seminary, more of the same except sexual as well as physical abuse. I transferred to a monastery in New Zealand, hoping I could escape, and to follow my calling. But the dark hearts of men prey on the young and the weak.

It was a beautiful place, with green grass and warm sunshine. So different from the gloom of my childhood home. But the stalking by the older men, fighting for my privacy. But understand, there were many men, maybe most of them, that’s what they were there for. Today we would call them homosexuals, gay. But then, it was criminal behavior. So, many homosexuals would take up the calling, and live communally, monastically.

But not the pedophiles. Those were the ones where monastic life is not enough. There are the new ones, young men, but no children. So they go to parish communities and prey on the young.

I didn’t understand it at all then. I had been taught that sex was a sin, any kind of sex. These men, cloistered beyond the public eye, were the most base criminals, or so I thought.

And so my confession is that one day, a bully and brute of a man cornered me. And I killed him. I buried him under the rocks near the cliffs. If anyone ever found him, I don’t know.

I made my way to America. I served in parishes across the South, like mission churches. They were so small when we started. And yes, I saw priests abuse children. And some of those priests, I killed too. Because I had been that child, that victim.

And when a priest turns up dead, under suspicious circumstances, the bishop wants it wiped away. And so I would be moved to another parish. And I might have killed a few more, and moved on. It didn’t take a rocket scientist for some bishops to realize that I was killing pedophiles. Whenever I turned up, bang! - another dead one. So they started to send me to more and more parishes, to clean up the messes.

My rage, at myself, at the priests, at the Church, drove me so far away from my calling that I thought of myself as an avenging angel, with a flaming sword. But I usually strangled them.

Strangely, when the stories of deviant priests from places like Boston and Chicago came out in newspapers and courtrooms, the bishops couldn’t use me any more. They told me I had to go. Me! I was the one who had to leave. But I did. One of the vows is obedience.

So tonight, to you, I have to confess. I am sorry that I could not kill more of them, for you, and for all of the victims.

Thank you. Good night.
Fr. Joe steps down from the stage.
The crowd swells with applause and shouts of Justice Done!
Kirini goes back to the stage.
KIRINI
OK! OK. Settle down. Boy, that was something. Um.. Thanks. And now, you fellas ready to go?
AIDEN
Razor sharp!
Aiden and Caiden come to the stage.
CAIDEN
Hello folks.
AIDEN
Thanks for coming out.
CAIDEN
Speaking of coming out, we just came out.
AIDEN
Of jail.
CAIDEN
We were serving our time - at county.
AIDEN
That’s how we hardened criminals say it.
CAIDEN
Doing time at county.
AIDEN
We’d been convicted,
CAIDEN
Found guilty
AIDEN
Of being a public nuisance.
CAIDEN
Disorderly conduct.
AIDEN
Detrimental to the town peace.
CAIDEN
Now let me share with you some inside info on the klink.
AIDEN
The straight dope.
CAIDEN
When you are at county, remember to keep your sense of humor.
AIDEN
A joke is as good as a punch.
CAIDEN
And if you are surrounded by skinheads,
AIDEN
Then make sure you can goose-step your way out of there,
CAIDEN
With a pun or a riddle, or a double-entendre.
AIDEN
You know what was the hardest part?
CAIDEN
The food.
AIDEN
Definitely. The food.
CAIDEN
I didn’t mind the group showers, myself.
AIDEN
And the weight room was well stocked.
CAIDEN
But the food was a poor showing.
AIDEN
Displaying a lack of imagination,
CAIDEN
Of the chef?
AIDEN
And the inmates!
CAIDEN
Could have made better food, but it wouldn’t matter.
AIDEN
For the tough guys and hustlers, there doing time at county,
CAIDEN
They just wanted meat,
AIDEN
And potatoes.
CAIDEN
For breakfast, bacon
AIDEN
And hash-browns.
CAIDEN
At lunch, hamburgers
AIDEN
And fries.
CAIDEN
For dinner, chopped steak
AIDEN
And mashed potatoes.
CAIDEN
We’ve got a lot of potatoes in Maine.
AIDEN
So maybe they were highlighting our agricultural bounty.
CAIDEN
Maybe. Or maybe if they served broccoli or kale, the inmates threw it back at them.
AIDEN
Like apes in a cage. No manners.
CAIDEN
Not like here. You guys are great.
AIDEN
Great crowd. And a remarkably good looking crowd. Wouldn’t you say?
A heckler yells, ‘you suck!’ and ‘get off the stage!’
CAIDEN
Who said that?! Where are you?!
AIDEN
Cade! Hang on!
Remember, that’s what got us locked up last time.
CAIDEN
You’re right. You’re right.
he is pointing at heckler
I’ll be coming for you later!
Heckler shouts and crowd cheers!
AIDEN
Cade! Calm down!
CAIDEN
I’m not taking that from this guy!
Caident jumps down off the stage and a melee begins in the crowd. The patrons push the heckler and Caiden out the door.
AIDEN
He’s got to fight his own battles. He’s got demons raging inside.
But me? I just put on a happy face. Folks, that’s our time. I’ll just end on an up note, to say, Goodnight and Sweet Dreams!
Aiden comes down off of the stage and goes to the bar.
BOOTS
Aiden, that wasn’t half bad. Too bad Caiden couldn’t stay for the end.
AIDEN
Thank you, Boot. You time was marvelous also. Kind of makes you wonder about what it takes to make it to the big-time in show business. You know?
BOOTS
Well all I know is that I just keep writing and keep going on tour. That’s a lot of it, just keep going.
KIRINI
That’s it for tonight folks! Thanks for coming out. Good night and be sure to tune in next week!
END