Sharky's Place: Aiden has a few Problems.

SHARKEY’S PLACE - MORNING
Kirini and Magdalena are dishing up coffee and breakfast burritos. Customers flow through.
KIRINI
Mag, another pair of wraps here.
MAGDALENA
Coming up.
They serve coffee while the customers wait for the burritos to come up.
MAGDALENA
Two up!
She slings two burritos, wrapped in white wax paper, out for service.
KIRINI
Got it!
Kirini grabs the food and rings up the customer. More people come for the burritos and coffee.
MAGDALENA
All good?
KIRINI
Three more, walking!
(to customers)
Here’s some coffee. Thanks for stopping by.
Magdalena wraps the burritos and serves them up.
MAGDALENA
Three walking!
KIRINI
Here we go!
Kirini serves up the food, hot and tasty, with hot coffee.
MAGDALENA
More?
KIRINI
We’re good. Come have a cup.
Magdalena comes up for air. Coffee in hand.
MAGDALENA
Busy this morning.
KIRINI
Who knew that breakfast burritos would bring them in?

MAGDALENA
I did. People love my breakfast.
KIRINI
It’s just not a, you know... New England thing.
MAGDALENA
People are hungry in the morning. They want good food.
KIRINI
Right. Yeah.
MAGDALENA
These men work, in the fields, on the water, they want real food.
KIRINI
And coffee.
MAGDALENA
It’s not the coffee, Miss Kiri. The coffee just kills the hunger. They want the food, the meal for the morning, to go and work. To build and make money.
KIRINI
Right.
MAGDALENA
But if it was just coffee, they would go somewhere else to satisfy the hunger.
KIRINI
Yeah.
MAGDALENA
But now they come here. Now they know that a woman is making food for them, for the day, to feed their appetite, to make the work day go.
KIRINI
A woman?
MAGDALENA
I see it in their eyes. Don’t you? They want a woman to make something for the morning. If it is delicious, filling and satisfying, he will come back. If it is just a junk biscuit or stale bagel, he is going to find another place. But now they know.
KIRINI
Know what?
MAGDALENA
That a woman is making meals for them in the morning. You understand?
KIRINI
I think you are talking to yourself. What is this, a woman making meals?
MAGDALENA
Talking to myself. Eh! It is a good thing I am here to help you.
KIRINI
Oh?
MAGDALENA
These men need to eat.
KIRINI
Yes.
MAGDALENA
So they come here. Why?
KIRINI
Because we are open.
MAGDALENA
No.
KIRINI
No?
MAGDALENA
No. The men come here because their women do not feed them, or, mostly, they do not have women.
KIRINI
We are their mothers?
MAGDALENA
We are their lovers. Their mothers. Their Grandmothers, abuela. You understand?
KIRINI
No.
MAGDALENA
If a man wakes up and his bed is cold and he is alone, he still needs food, warmth, love.
KIRINI
And that’s us?
MAGDALENA
Do you see their faces?
KIRINI
Yes, of course.
MAGDALENA
No. You don’t. Because what they see is a woman who makes food and loves them.
KIRINI
I don’t love them. They are drunk sailors. Or hung over.
MAGDALENA
Then you should quit.
KIRINI
What?
MAGDALENA
You understand why it is necessary to make burritos and coffee in the morning? Why it is necessary to feed them at lunch? Why you give them beer at night?
KIRINI
It’s a tavern. We make money by selling beer. The beer is cold so they come here to drink beer. It’s not rocket science.
MAGDALENA
No. You do not understand.
KIRINI
It’s my bar! Yes, I understand!
MAGDALENA
Oh, well, then. If you know then you do not need me.
KIRINI
Wait! What? Are you leaving?
MAGDALENA
No. The men need the food.
KIRINI
Then what is this about?
MAGDALENA
You don’t understand. Just think. Maybe I will tell you at lunch.
More sailor come in. Magda and Kiri keep the breakfast going.
SHARKEY’S PLACE - LUNCH TIME
Kirini and Magdalena are rocking the lunch crowd. The place is nearly full.
KIRINI
(with customers)
Two specials!
MAGDALENA
(in the kitchen)
Two, coming up!
Kirini moves from table to table, bringing drinks, giving out checks, clearing dishes. She is hustling and running back and forth to the cash register.
KIRINI
Got those two?
MAGDALENA
Two specials, UP!
KIRINI
(grabbing the plates)
Great.
She delivers the plates to the table and zooms off.
Aiden and Caiden come in.
AIDEN
Would you look at the place?
CAIDEN
Quite a few people had the same idea!
AIDEN
Kiri! Hey! We heard there was a new chef.
KIRINI
(showing them to a table)
Yeah, foods great. You having the special?
CAIDEN
Do we have a choice?
KIRINI
No.
AIDEN
OK. Two specials.
CAIDEN
A black coffee and cold beer.
KIRINI
Coming up!
(to Magda)
Two specials!
MAGDALENA
Two specials!
AIDEN
So what is the special?
CAIDEN
Will we be disappointed? I mean...
AIDEN
It’s not Myra.
CAIDEN
Queen of the kitchen.
KIRINI
This is Magda. She’s good. You’ll like it.
AIDEN
What is it?
KIRINI
Don’t worry. You’ll like it.
CAIDEN
I don’t like the sound of that. I would prefer a more transparent transaction, at a time like this.
AIDEN
Sunshine is a wonderful disinfectant!
CAIDEN
Procedural clarity gives confidence to the buyer and accountability for the seller.
KIRINI
Caiden, what? Did you pick up the latest from Peter Drucker? What’s all this about procedure?
CAIDEN
I admit that I have been influenced recently by one of Professor Drucker’s most famous lines, “The important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.”
KIRINI
Meaning what, exactly?
CAIDEN
If you won’t say what the special is, I can only guess you think that we wouldn’t order it if we knew.
MAGDALENA
(from the kitchen)
Two UP!
KIRINI
Or put another way, that I know the quality and taste of the food is excellent, but I sometimes have doubts about the gourmand sensibilities of our clientele.
AIDEN
So you think we’re rubes.
KIRINI
In a word.
MAGDALENA
Two UP!
KIRINI
Coming! Two up!
Kirini swings the plates around and puts them down for Aiden and Caiden.
AIDEN
What’s this? Tacos?
CAIDEN
Is this corn tortilla?
KIRINI
She said it is masa.
AIDEN
What’s that? Like barley?
CAIDEN
It’s a soft corn flour, for tortillas. But it’s been nixtamalized.
AIDEN
Nixta-what?
CAIDEN
It’s a long story. What is this, fish?
AIDEN
Fish tacos? Who’s heard of that? And salsa?
KIRINI
I don’t know. But look around! People love it. Try it.
CAIDEN
Always a culinary adventure in here.
AIDEN
We come to eat, but the real lessons are in the food.
CAIDEN
(trying taco)
Oh! This is good. Fresh.
AIDEN
Tasty! We should do this at The Squid.
CAIDEN
Like a fish sandwich,
AIDEN
But a taco! Amazing!
CAIDEN
What did you say her name is?
KIRINI
Magda. Magdalena.
AIDEN
Hey! Maggie! Hey! Can we talk to you?
Magdalena pops her head around the corner. She looks at Kirini. Kirini nods at her that it’s alright.
Magdalena comes over to the table.
MAGDALENA
You men, you don’t like?
AIDEN
Marvelous!
CAIDEN
A delight!
AIDEN
Is this Mexican food?
MAGDALENA
Veracruz. By the sea. Very special.
CAIDEN
So fresh.
AIDEN
So alive.
MAGDALENA
In my country, the sea is abundant so we expect perfect fish. And the farms grow everything, so we expect the peppers and the tomatoes to be wonderful. Why should anyone serve food that is old and stale? Is that what you make?
AIDEN
Me?
CAIDEN
What are you saying?
MAGDALENA
You work at the Inky Squid, right?
AIDEN
No stinky at the Inky!
CAIDEN
So fresh, if we threw it back in, the fish would swim away.
MAGDALENA
But your potatoes? They are frozen.
AIDEN
Sure, the fries come in peeled, cut and frozen. Stable in the freezer.
MAGDALENA
And the oil in the fryer. You change that for every batch?
CAIDEN
No, of course not. Once a week, we filter and re-fry. Saves time and money.
MAGDALENA
Yes. Yes, it does. But at what price, eh?
(turns away)
Heh-heh!
Magdalena goes back to the kitchen.
KIRINI
I’ll get those drinks for you, boys.
Kirini goes back to the counter.
AIDEN
Can you beat that?
CAIDEN
With a stick.
AIDEN
This food, it’s so good.
CAIDEN
But now my mouth is filled with ashes.
AIDEN
Can’t taste anything.
CAIDEN
We’re good though, right?
AIDEN
Nothing stinky.
CAIDEN
At the Inky.
AIDEN
I mean, what is she trying to say? That she’s better than us?
CAIDEN
Look at this though, a fresh lettuce leaf, a slice of ripe tomato, chopped peppers.
AIDEN
Red, green and yellow?
CAIDEN
The flavors are balanced.
AIDEN
The texture is surprising and wonderful.
CAIDEN
You know, Aiden, this means we’ve got real competition again.
AIDEN
It’s like Myra is haunting us!
CAIDEN
The ghost of kitchens past!
AIDEN
Each time, each plate, highlighting...
CAIDEN
Emphasizing...
AIDEN
What backwater rubes we are.
CAIDEN
Like rural Maine’ers.
AIDEN
Or fisherman.
CAIDEN
Maybe Kiri is right.
AIDEN
That we’re no-talent hacks?
CAIDEN
No, that she is more worldly...
AIDEN
Sophisticated...
CAIDEN
More experienced that you and me.
AIDEN
Can you beat that?
CAIDEN
With a stick!
Kirini returns with drinks.
KIRINI
Here you go, fellas.
AIDEN
Kiri, I’ve been thinking.
KIRINI
Uh-oh! Now what?
AIDEN
It seems you are correct about our bona-fides,
CAIDEN
Or lack thereof.
AIDEN
We’re backwater hicks compared to you.
CAIDEN
Mountain hillbillies. Lost in the hollar.
AIDEN
We don’t have the worldly experience that you have, knowing the ways and methods of the great metropolis.
CAIDEN
Small town fry.
AIDEN
So I guess you’re right to hide the names of these splendors and delights, knowing that we will not understand.
CAIDEN
We would just stare blankly forward. Like that banjo kid in the Deliverance movie. Dead eyes.
AIDEN
So, I wish to humbly apologize for my presumptive attitude.
CAIDEN
We’ve been arrogant. The sin of hubris.
KIRINI
What’s gotten into you two today?
AIDEN
Kiri, I’m just going to say it. Will you marry me?
KIRINI
What?
AIDEN
Will you rescue me from my own degeneracy, and maybe you can rehabilitate me? A loving project.
CAIDEN
Wait! What?
KIRINI
A what? Boys, finish your lunch. It’s going to get cold.
AIDEN
Kiri, you have opened my eyes, pulled back the blinders, and now I see myself clearly.
KIRINI
And what exactly do you see?
AIDEN
I see you and I together, making a family.
KIRINI
Oh boy. Listen, I’ve got a lot of tables to serve. Just know that I love you both. And if you come back tonight, you each get a beer on the house. Got it?
CAIDEN
Deal!
AIDEN
Are you just letting me down easy? Is that all?
KIRINI
Yes, Aiden. Yes, I am. Now I gotta get to work.
Kirini collects the tickets and rings customers up at the register.
CAIDEN
Buddy, where’d all that come from?
AIDEN
I’ve been hearing a lot lately about imposter syndrome. And I think I’ve got it.
CAIDEN
You feel like you are pretending to be a fry cook in rural Maine? You’ve got me convinced.
AIDEN
And adulting. I’ve been hearing about that too. Now I just look at myself and I feel like a shell, an empty shell. No there, there.
CAIDEN
I see. And uh.. just asking, but is it that time of the month again, buddy?
AIDEN
What time?
CAIDEN
The time between paychecks, and you’ve spent all your dough. And you feel like a zero. That time, every month.
AIDEN
It’s only a couple of days. I asked Turbo for a little advance. But it hasn’t come through yet.
CAIDEN
Turbo? You’re asking him? Ask me! I’ll spot you a few bucks.
AIDEN
Would you?
CAIDEN
What do you need, like a twenty?
AIDEN
I’m going to need forty-five hundred dollars.
CAIDEN
Forty-five, what?! What for? You gambling?
AIDEN
Ah, Caiden, I’ve been afraid to tell you.
CAIDEN
Tell me what?
AIDEN
I met this girl, a couple of weeks ago. She’s from Canada.
CAIDEN
What, Quebec?
AIDEN
Montreal.
CAIDEN
What do you need four thousand dollars for? Is she for sale?
AIDEN
No, she’s got an old boyfriend.
CAIDEN
Uh-huh. I’m not liking this already.
AIDEN
And he signed her on for some loans.
CAIDEN
Some loans? Like for a car?
AIDEN
A car. The apartment. But other stuff too.
CAIDEN
So, she breaks the lease, big deal.
AIDEN
No, it’s the other stuff. See the boyfriend runs around with some pretty heavy guys.
CAIDEN
Like what, drugs, prostitution? What are you talking?
AIDEN
Different kinds of money laundering. But see the thing is, he, kind of, put her up as collateral, for a deal.
CAIDEN
Collateral? You mean if he doesn’t pay then she belongs to the other guy? Like a slave?
AIDEN
Indentured. So, for like seven years.
CAIDEN
Aiden, this is crazy-talk. How did you get mixed up in this?
AIDEN
You remember when I went to Montreal a couple of weeks ago? Then.
CAIDEN
Yeah, you were going to do restaurant tours, Joe Beef, Bonaparte, Olympico. You said it was great. What happened?
AIDEN
I did. Three days. Eating and drinking. Taking menu notes. Service details. The way they do reservations, manage the flow, the kitchen. The works.
CAIDEN
Yeah? So?
AIDEN
So at this one place, Restaurant Toqué, a real Quebecois menu, I talked to the hostess, Alicia.
CAIDEN
Oh no...
AIDEN
And we hit it off.
CAIDEN
Aiden, she’s working. That’s what’s supposed to happen. A great hostess makes you fall in love with her. That’s her job.
AIDEN
But I did. Then, when the restaurant was closing, she called me to the bar for a drink, with the staff. You know restaurant people, service people. After-hours stuff. We had a ball. But later, I invited her back to my room and she said, no, she had to look after her cat, but I could come up for coffee. So I did.
CAIDEN
OK, lover-boy, was the boyfriend still in the picture?
AIDEN
We talked all night. I fell asleep on her sofa, with the cat. She was really nice.
CAIDEN
The cat?
Magdalena comes out of the kitchen and stands over the table.
MAGDALENA
Well?
AIDEN
What?
MAGDALENA
You don’t like it? I’ll take it back.
(she reaches for the plates)
AIDEN
No! Hey! I’m in the middle of a story here.
CAIDEN
Yeah, no, it’s good. We liked it. I’m glad you are here. Kiri needs the help. She needs a new Sandra too.
MAGDALENA
Who’s that?
AIDEN
Sandra? A goddess, that’s who she was.
CAIDEN
Sandra was a server here. Tight pants, high heels, you know the type. We all fell pretty hard for her.
AIDEN
But she got scooped up by some rich guy down the coast. She’s probably living on the hundredth-floor in Manhattan.
CAIDEN
Now Kirini is running the floor herself. See?
They watch Kirini scooping, cleaning, cashing out customers.
MAGDALENA
Maybe I call my sister.
CAIDEN
Is she hot?
MAGDALENA
My sister?
CAIDEN
Yeah, is she hot? I mean to replace Sandra, she’s going to have to have some maracas-and-a-tambourine. You know what I mean?
MAGDALENA
I know what you mean. Maybe I call my other sister then.
AIDEN
She’s the hot one?
MAGDALENA
Boom!-Boom! PSSSH!
(makes hand clap like a tambourine)
AIDEN
Christ on a cracker!
CAIDEN
Get her on the blower!
MAGDALENA
(laughs)
You two are silly. I know what you mean. But I wanted to say that I’m sorry about what I said about your food. People like it and that’s all the matters.
AIDEN
It’s very traditional.
CAIDEN
And it is fresh. Dayboat fish, shrimp and scallops.
AIDEN
Come by, we’ll make you dinner.
MAGDALENA
I cook for my family.
CAIDEN
We’ll do the cooking tonight.
AIDEN
Get some take-away.
MAGDALENA
(laughs)
You too. Ok. Later.
Magdalena heads back to the kitchen. More specials, more customers.
CAIDEN
OK. So cut to the chase. What’s up?
AIDEN
She said if the old boyfriend doesn’t come up with forty-five hundred dollars, she has to cover it, and if she can’t cover it, she belongs to the gang leader, for seven years. I’ve got to help her.
CAIDEN
No, you don’t. This is a shakedown. There’s no mafia-capo that’s taking women as collateral. She’s juicing you. Besides, if she works at the fancy restaurant why doesn’t she hit up her boss for the cash. He’d give it to her, and then collect in the flesh.
AIDEN
But she’s not like that. It’s the boyfriend that put the whole thing in motion.
CAIDEN
And you think that if you bail her out, then what? Then she’s your property? You think she’s going to stay with you?
AIDEN
Maybe.
CAIDEN
She’s already been in a bad relationship with a known scumbag. She’s making an upgrade if she goes with the head gang-banger. It’s an improvement for her. Besides, she probably just wants to shake you down to buy drugs, or Bitcoin.
AIDEN
Crypto currency?
CAIDEN
I don’t know. It’s just that it sounds really fishy. And do you want to make enemies with these guys? She made her bed, and you didn’t even sleep in it.
AIDEN
But I think she’s the one, Cade.
CAIDEN
You just asked Kirini to marry you! Are you going nuts?
AIDEN
No, I’m just so confused. What do I do?
CAIDEN
Eat your taco. Let’s get back to work.
AIDEN
But we come back for the free one later, right?
CAIDEN
Of course!
AIDEN
Of course!
SHARKEY’S PLACE - EVENING
Aiden is onstage. The place is packed.
AIDEN

Hey every body, I'm Aiden, good to see you. When I'm not doing this I'm the fry cook at the Inky Squid just up Halifax Street.

Thank you.
Glad you could make it out tonight to Kirini's place here, Sharkey's.
If you know me, you know I'm a bit of a... player, you know I get around. I meet a lot people at the Inky. Try to catch an eye across the tanks we have out front - display cases with all our fish and seafood right there. If you ever got an extra fish stick in your basket... I was looking at you.

Well, I met this girl one night, caught my eye while I was plating up a couple orders. Well, we ended up having some fun and she was telling me how she went to Japan a few years back.
You know... those Japanese, they love fish too. Oddly enough, good for our economy, too! Catch a tuna in the gulf of Maine, and they're chowing down on it in Tokyo or Yokohama like the next day. Ain't that amazing?
You know what else the Japanese love? Porn.

See, they're not so different.

Dragons and fish and porn. Fish porn. And very specifically, tentacle porn.

I've worked the Inky for nine years now. I have never seen any woman walk in front of the octopus and say, "Ooooh, sexy."
Weird, right?
Yeah, but they're not so different. They probably think we're weird too.
I mean they have this - I don't know - fetish about a roomful of dudes -you probably heard of it.. . Like a lot of dudes. Standing around... concluding their business on one girl's - you've seen the training videos?
I see a glint of recognition from some of you. [Or - None of you? REALLY? Porn is like a $4 billion dollar industry in the US... Just not in this room. HALF of you are sailors and fishermen, And liars, apparently. Well... this will be educational AND entertaining.]
As I was saying roomful of naked dudes, one girl.
I've been on a few softball teams., but...
Last place I want to be is in a room with those guys, naked, working things out.

And if you've seen the Milbridge softball league, I think you'll agree. Some of you are here tonight.
So this girl tells me - and I don't know what her friends in Japan were like - that they think our TV shows are somehow cutting those scenes for the domestic market but leaving them for the ratings in Japan.
Now some shows do lend themselves to that sort of speculation. Like... Baywatch. Right? Hoo hooo.
All those people were attractive, even the bald guy. Rescuing California girls in tiny red bathing suits. Mouth to mouth resuscitation. Pamela Anderson? Hoo hoooo.
But then I have to see Hasselhoff? On my softball team? Oh, no. No, no, no. Change the channel.
[Acts out clicking a remote.]
Golden Girls - No! [Clicks the remote.]
Mary Tyler NO. [Clicks the remote]
Fer crissakes get in this century.

Game of Thrones.... [puts down the arm with the remote and raises an eyebrow]

Well, maaayybe.
See? Dragon porn. Not so different.
And if any ladies interested in some tentacles or an extra fish stick in your basket... I'm Aiden, I work at the Inky Squid.
Good night.
[Thunderous applause - probably]
END